


The Very Unexpected Diary of Bilbo Baggins

by windfallswest



Series: The Very Unexpected Diaries [3]
Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Diary/Journal, Epistolary, Gen, Humor, Parody, Very Secret Diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-20
Updated: 2013-02-20
Packaged: 2017-11-29 22:54:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/692495
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/windfallswest/pseuds/windfallswest
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo son of Bungo</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Very Unexpected Diary of Bilbo Baggins

**Bilbo son of Bungo**

 

 **Day 1**  
Had visit from Gandalf this morning. Tried to angle for fireworks show, but all old bugger interested in talking about was his hat.

Spent evening up to eyebrows in Dwerrows, not in good way. Kept trying to lure me into adventure, or possibly orgy.

Ha. As if I would ever do such a thing.

 

 **Day 2**  
Have agreed to go on 'adventure' as have not got laid in far too long. In hindsight, probably not best decision to make on basis of Dwarven Prince's rugged good looks.

Oh, well. They're probably not serious about the dragon anyway.

 

 **Day 11**  
Adventure not at all what expected. Hints not working: all Dwerrows interested in is gold, weaponry, and grooming of overly-complicated facial hair. Had to listen to Glóin complain for hours about how if not for Bombur's beard-necklace, he would be hairiest Dwarf in company.

 

 **Day 15**  
Asked Dwalin if would let me see his war hammer. Dwalin suddenly v shifty, told me he's had it tied to saddle for a fortnight.

Have decided will have to be less subtle if want any action.

 

 **Day 36**  
Gandalf and Thorin had gigantic row and Gandalf left in huff. Camp site my great-aunt's hankie. Bofur said it was because Gandalf thinks Thorin too tall to shag. I think has more to do with Gandalf disappearing into bushes with Fili and Kili every night since Bree.

 

 **Day 37**  
Plenty of action, but not of kind I was looking for. Was surprised to discover Trolls smell even worse than Dwerrows. Dwerrows not actually brighter, however. Maybe they really are made of stone.

In other news, am starting to get the hang of this burglar thing. Now have own sword and everything.

 

 **Day 44**  
Wish that Radagast chap had hung around a little longer; would have liked to try his mushrooms. Was Gandalf maybe hustling him off? Perhaps he was afraid Radagast would take Fili and Kili on rabbit-sleigh ride.

 

 **Day 45**  
Rivendell delicious. Elves smell much nicer than Dwerrows and don't spend nearly so much time on their hair. Unfortunately, are all too busy demonstrating superiority over Dwerrows to go for a quick shag. Four stars.

 

 **Day 58**  
Gandalf and Thorin had another spat. This time Thorin leaving and taking whole Company with him. Thorin's majestic brooding almost as good as Elves' lately. Really v dishy. Am afraid he'd have Bifur kill me if I tried anything, though.

 

 **Day 106**  
Nobody hitting on me. Cannot cope; off to--

 

 **Day 107**  
Rest of company captured by orcs. Knew I should have left when I had the chance.

 

 **Day 108**  
Finally someone hitting on me and it has to be slimy hermit w/ no teeth. Did not take it well when told him gurgling schizophrenics not my type. Had nice game of riddles first, though, and found magic ring.

Ring v shiny. Perhaps will not tell rest of company, as Dwerrows v one-directional about sharing.

 

 **Day 109**  
Beaning wargs with flaming pinecones bringing back memories of old rock-shying days. All the excitement must have gone to head, as also remember attacking large orc and being snatched up by even larger predatory bird. Perhaps Bombur right about pipeweed withdraw.

Thorin offered to teach me swordsmanship. What is it with Dwerrows and weapons?

That comradely hug he gave me was rather a bit more personal than strictly necessary, too. Is this Dwarvish flirting? Must ask Gandalf in case ever get down off incredibly phallic but v steep pinnacle. May get laid after all: go me!


End file.
